As a therapist I hear people often asking: “Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

The truth is, self-sabotage isn’t about weakness or lack of willpower. It’s a protective mechanism rooted in fear, uncertainty, and the deep need to feel in control.

When you sabotage your own opportunities for love, growth, or success, it’s often because staying in what you know feels safer than risking what you don’t. If you expect to be disappointed, abandoned, or rejected, sabotaging the situation before it unfolds gives you a sense of control over the pain you fear. At least you can say, “I knew this would happen.”

But this illusion of control comes at a high cost.

It keeps you stuck in the same patterns, repeating the same cycles in relationships, your career, and your personal growth. It robs you of the possibility of experiencing something different, something better, something true.

In relationships, self-sabotage can look like:

– Pushing away a partner who feels safe because it feels “boring” compared to the chaos you’re used to.

– Testing others repeatedly to prove they will leave.

– Shutting down or withdrawing when you feel seen, fearing you’ll lose yourself.

– Choosing partners who can’t truly meet you, because it feels familiar to be the one who gives more.

At its core, self-sabotage is a nervous system response rooted in unhealed wounds, a need for predictability, and a fear of vulnerability. It’s an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment by creating it yourself.

But here’s what I want you to know, my dear:

You deserve to experience love, connection, and growth without having to sabotage it to feel safe.

Healing begins when you notice these patterns with compassion, not shame. When you can say with the kindest voice you have:

“I see that I’m pushing this away because I’m scared.”

“I see that I’m choosing chaos because it feels familiar.”

“I see that I’m afraid of being seen because I don’t know if it’s safe.”

And then, you choose a different response.

You can learn to feel safe in love.

You can learn to trust yourself to handle the unknown.

You can learn to allow good things to stay without sabotaging them.

This is the inner work we do in therapy, breaking the cycles of self-sabotage so you can live a life that aligns with your truth, not your wounds.

Reflection:

Where in your life do you notice yourself sabotaging what you actually want, just to feel in control?

What would it look like to let yourself receive it instead?

If you’re ready to begin this work and break these cycles, therapy can support you. Let’s walk this path of healing together.

With much care,🤍

Aniela

photo: Pinterest