There have been moments as a mother when I watched my daughter become anxious, overwhelmed, or sensitive, and of course, as a parent who cares, I looked at what might happen to her. But also I keep an eye on myself and asked myself this question:

Is something happening to her…or is something happening inside me that her body is feeling too? 

As a therapist, I understand the science of the nervous system.

But as a mother, I have also had to face something humbling and deeply human:

Our children feel much more than what we say or show to them. They feel the state of our nervous system.

From the moment children are born, their bodies are designed to co-regulate with the people they depend on for safety. Most often, this is the mother.

Long before children understand language, their nervous system is reading signals we don’t even realize we are sending:

• the rhythm of our breath

• the tone of our voice

• the tension in our muscles

• the pace of our movements

• the emotional atmosphere we carry inside

Their body is constantly asking one silent question: Is the world safe?

And very often, the first place they look for that answer… is us.

Sometimes, when a child begins to show anxiety, parents immediately start searching for ways to help the child: therapy, breathing exercises, coping tools, books about worries.

And this can be helpful.

But sometimes something else is happening underneath. And not just a therapist but as a parent, I want to help you understand this:

The child’s nervous system is responding to the regulatory environment around them.

Not because the parent did something wrong.

Not because anyone failed.

But because children’s nervous systems are biologically wired to synchronize with the nervous system that cares for them.

When a parent’s body is calm and grounded, the child’s body receives the message: You are safe.

When a parent’s nervous system is often tense, rushed, worried, or carrying a quiet background alarm,the child’s body may begin to mirror that state. Not consciously. Just biologically.

When I didn’t feel safe in my own body and life, my daughter felt unsafe too. And she showed me that. 

When parents first hear this idea, many of them feel something heavy inside.

I have seen it many times in my work.

And I have felt it myself as a mother.

Because the first thought that appears is often:

Did I cause this? And for parent who worries a lot, that’s the last thing they wanna hear.

And this is where I want to pause with a lot of gentleness.

This is not about blame.

An anxious nervous system is not a character flaw.

It is often the result of years of responsibility, stress, life experiences, unresolved fears, the modern world we live in or simply living too long in survival mode.

Many parents who love their children deeply are also carrying nervous systems that have been working overtime for years.

Their anxiety did not begin with their child.

But what is beautiful about understanding co-regulation, and I want you to know, is that it opens a door to something hopeful.

Children are sensitive to our nervous systems.

But they are also sensitive to our healing.

When we begin to slow down our breath, their breath slows too.

When we soften our voice, their body begins to soften.

When we learn to pause and ground ourselves, their nervous system receives a powerful message:

Safety exists. You are safe! I feel safe. 

Often the most powerful way to support an anxious child is not asking the child to change first.

It is gently helping the adult nervous system around them become a place of more calm, more presence, and more regulation.

Not perfectly. Just more often.

Because our nervous system becomes the emotional climate our children grow inside.

And when that climate begins to feel safer, their bodies naturally begin to relax.

I keep saying this: children do not need perfect parents. 

They need parents whose nervous systems are learning, little by little, how to return to safety.

And when that happens, something beautiful unfolds.

The child no longer has to carry the alarm alone.

The adult nervous system beside them is already showing the way to safety.

May you remember that awareness is not blame, it is the beginning of change.

May you offer yourself the same compassion you offer your child.

And may the calm you cultivate within yourself become a place where both of you can breathe a little easier.

If this resonates with you, you may want to share it with another parent who might need this reminder today.

With care and presence,

Aniela🤍

photo: Pinterest